Have yall ever felt like this before? 🤔

Hello!!! This is just me sharing my thoughts I was experiencing with a friend of mine that I just ended things not to long ago. While there were haha emotions involved as you may see if you continue to read, we were only ever friends. And honestly it’s hard for me to move on from him and just very eugh…not gonna share the LORE I guess as I’m already sharing SO MUCH HAHA but just very confusing times for me. I haha did write his names when I wrote these months ago but they’re switched out with “M” now as that’s his initial. Did that for privacy purposes and well didn’t wanna put like y/n or something 😂🤣 but yeah haha so just M. He also has a uniquer name so haha can’t risk finding this all out and reporting this to him. The chances are low but never 0 people! Anywho I’m sharing this to just get this off my chest and to hopefully relate to anyone who has ever felt like this for anyone, platonically, romantically, however 🙂‍↕️ Apologies for the cursing and topics as well as corniness ahead, you have been warned

Don’t do that again M. Don’t fucking do this shit again because no you don’t. And look, Im not telling you how to feel or how you’re feeling I’m saying how it is, you don’t like me. I’m convenient for you, you’re bored and there’s no one else, you’ve said it yourself multiple times. And yknow you’re right, you’ve always been fucking right about how we’re too different for each other and I fucking hate it. I hate how I THINK you’ll change every fucking time you come back when the same shit keeps happening. Yes okay you haven’t left in a long time, I appreciate that but what’s stayed the same is how you genuinely will never like me how I wanna be liked. And that’s OKAY! Genuinely, if you can’t like me how I wanna be liked then that’s fine, if it’s too much or if it’s not worth it, if you just can’t or don’t want to, whatever it may be that’s OKAY! But don’t ever say you want me and you want someone who’ll be there for you if you genuinely can’t do that for me. Don’t say you like me and the next you can’t put in the effort. Don’t say you like me and just disregard me and my feelings. Don’t say you like me when you won’t change for me. And I’m not asking you to change, I’m not, if you don’t want to then by all means, but don’t say you like me if that’s the case. I’m not ASKING you to change either, I LIKE how you are, sure there are some things that I disagree with but I’m not ASKING you to fix that. Don’t you wanna be better tho? Don’t you wanna connect with me on a deeper level and get to know me more? I wanna be better for you, I TRYYYYYYY TO BE BETTER FOR YOU!!! I’d do so much I’m WILLING TO PUT MORE INTO MYSELF, FOR YOU, TO BE WITH YOU, BECAUSE I LIKE YOU! And I know you’re not telling me this, asking me to do all this, all this may seem “unnecessary” or “stupid” but I wanna be a person who knows you, who knows the REAL you, who’s able to connect with you and understand you on so many levels where I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU. Where I could pick you up when you’re down, be there in the silence, be there when you’re being successful. I wanna make you happy, make you proud, make you feel loved, I wanna cherish you so goddamn fucking much but holy fuck if you can’t reciprocate all this, all this time, love, effort, and commitment, fuck even a SLIVER OF THIS, then don’t ever tell me you like me. I was so fucking willing to give it to you M, I was so fucking ready, I genuinely was so happy because that summer, I felt we were ready. That after what, 6 years, it was ALL WORTH IT. We FINALLY WORKED SHIT OUT AND WE COULD BE HAPPY!!! I was willing to give you my all, all for my first time and I genuinely would not have regret it. I was so fucking stupid in love with you and I was sure of myself AND YOU that this could work. I felt so sure of you, especially after I told you EVERYTHING I felt and WHY I felt that way. I was ready to throw it all to the wind and be happy with you, no matter what people said, how they felt about you. My mom doesn’t even like you, my friends don’t even like you and I was willing to say “sorry I’m happy and he likes me.” I was willing to do all of that for you. And I just feel like the stupidest fucking idiot for even thinking this M. I feel so fucking embarrassed for feeling anything for you, for wanting to give you my all when you barely even care about me. I feel so much regret and shame towards myself because I, I let myself go this crazy and feel these things all for a fucking boy who doesn’t and will never give two flying fucks about me. And that’s what hurts. No matter how much I ask, no matter how much I tell you, no matter how long we do this for, you’ll just never fucking care about me how I want to be cared for. And sometimes when we were younger, I’d even think this is the best I’ll ever get because this is all I amount to. I’ll have to settle for begging someone to talk to me, sending multiple texts just to get ignored or told I’m being too much, too annoying, too weird, that I have to stop because when’s enough enough. The simple truth is I’m not what you want, you say I am, and that you like me and would wanna date me but that’s where it ends. You date me, you finally got me and that’s it, that’s where the game ends. You wouldn’t try your hardest to make me happy, you wouldn’t do anything and everything to make me feel worthy of love, you wouldn’t want us to work everything out, to hang out, to do all these things and love each other while doing them. You don’t want me, and that’s fine. Just don’t say you do and do everything you can to show me how untrue it is you feel. It genuinely hurts and I’ve been doing this for so long, enough is enough. I regret ever meeting you. Not even then, it was during Covid and months have passed after you left and I was genuinely moving on. I was struggling just a dumb 13 year old struggling when you texted back, after I finally felt at peace without you, without anyone, that I’ll be okay just on my own, I let you back in, I gave you that chance and from that moment on, I knew I fucked up. That’s the moment when I realized all we have right now, is because of that moment. Oh how I fucking wish I could’ve ignored your ass like you did to me, how I could’ve just told you right then and there that that isn’t okay and I don’t have to accept your apology and that things won’t go back to how they were. I would’ve saved myself so much heartache, so much fucking time, I wouldn’t have become this dumb, worthless piece of shit who cries over some boy just because he doesn’t like her. What’s worse is I know you don’t care. You never do. You’ll never care that I’m gone, you won’t truly miss me, you’ll miss having someone. You never truly cared about me. I wish I could consume your mind every single goddamn second of every day like you would mine for years. I wish you genuinely felt hurt and regret and shame for ever hurting me like you did all those years and even now. I wish you listened to songs and cried that I’m not there and feel so ashamed that you lost something so fucking good and will never get it back. You’ll never feel anything like that for me and it just irks me and pisses me off. Why can’t you just care about me? Why can’t you see how shitty you treat me, then say you WANT SOMEONE WHEN IM RIGHT HERE?! I’m right here M, I’ve been so fucking crazy over you for the past years and you genuinely don’t care! You’d never make me feel liked, you always made me think I’m weird and that’s NOT okay, where that’s like something I should fix. And I was okay with that. Holy fuck especially back then I was okay with changing who I am for you it’s fucking insane. Why can’t you just treat me like you want me, I don’t want you to say it but show it. Show that you’re really scared to lose me, that I’m worth fighting for, that you love me for me even tho I’m weird, I’m not the best person, I’m not the prettiest or smartest or most amazing and stand out, that I’m boring and loud and is so random and has horrible mood swings and is super annoying and confusing. Why can’t I be worth it for once? I’d rather you tell me you don’t like me ever or even just if you left and I never heard from you again then hear you say you like me and do nothing to show you do. Just leave me alone if you don’t want me. Just say you want company and nothing serious, be honest with me.

I genuinely don’t even know what to say to you anymore M. Everytime I think of something, it’ll just go in one ear and out the other, you won’t care. Not matter what the case is you don’t care about me. And that’s COMPLETELY fine, I understand it’s okay. I can’t keep doing this again though I genuinely can’t. You don’t care or wanna care about me the way I wanna be cared for, as a friend and even more. And I’ve tried over these years I really fucking have and it just never works. I feel like I give too much when I shouldn’t, then give too little when I shouldn’t either and I can’t keep doing this for myself for you. What hurts me the most is I really wanted to be with you, and in the summer last year we fucking had it. And I was excited and I wanted it to work out and just say fuck it let’s do it and be happy. I was so happy and so sure of you then, even when we were just starting college and just lots of things happening, I wanted this I really did. I was ready, and I wasn’t in the best headspace but I was willing to get better not just for myself (although haha not working so good) but for you. I wanna be my best for you and I’m WILLING to be my best for you because you deserve that! I was willing to give you my everything and maybe it’s not a big deal to you but YOU’D BE MY FIRST EVERYTHING!!! You know I haven’t dated and have been waiting for “the one” and that was you!!! For the longest time I ONLY wanted it to be you. I imagined us doing SO MANY FUCKING THINGS TOGETHER OVER THE YEARS ITS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. It’s gotten to the point where it’s like “damn get a life” type of embarrassing. I really wanted it to be you M, I just wish you cared about me how I wanna be cared about. I’m not mad at you or upset, like AT YOU yknow, I’m more just hurt with what I allowed 1, and 2 how everything played out. I understand some people just don’t work out and people want to be liked certain ways and that stuff. I was willing to change for you, not who I am like entirely but compromising for each other. I’m willing to do that, not all things but most things, because idk to me that’s what love is because it’s not me vs. you, it’s us working and being together. It has never once seemed like you want this too. And maybe you don’t see it this way, that is TOTALLY FINE and maybe you don’t want to either, again TOTALLY FINE!!! But this is something I truly believe in and you’ve never proven this to me. Time and time again it seems to never happen and then we argue and then it just gets awkward and then we get defensive and then one of us gets offended and upset and I really don’t like to get you mad or make you seem bothered. I don’t wanna make it to where you don’t wanna talk to me because if that’s the case just call it quits and leave. I feel like we drag this out so much just so we’re not alone? So we have someone and so when we’re bored we could talk to someone because having someone is better than being alone. And you say you’re never bored but I genuinely cannot think why else we keep making this happen??? Like why do you keep coming back and why tf do I answer and vice versa. I don’t believe you miss me, fuck always feel like you forget about me. And I don’t believe you like me either. Just by how this goes and continues to keep happening and not caring how I wanna be cared for there’s just no way you like me and would consider dating me I’m sorry. I just wish you cared more, and considered me more. I wish you’re scared to lose me, because once this is over you’re just gonna move on and forget about me. Which I’m not saying you SHOULDN’T or you CANT, yknow but just how you forget things I wish I was like that. I wish I was able to move on and forget you but it’s just hard. And that’s a me issue I know but fuck. I hate how I feel for you and cry for you and just can’t get over you and yes I WANNA MAKE YOU FEEL BAD!!! I WANNA TELL YOU SHITTY STUFF SO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HURT I AM AND HOW YOURE ABLE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. There’s no reason to tho because you won’t even care or try to be better. Not that you have to, I’m not forcing you at all. I wish you just WANTED to do that for me. Where I don’t have to tell you this and fucking cry “you don’t care about me blah blah blah.” I don’t even try to talk to you because I see no point in it, I feel like I just waste your time and I don’t wanna do that to either of us. You won’t even care about what I talk about either so again no point. I’m sorry that this is random and I’m sorry it’s a lot, and I just contradicted myself saying I don’t tell you stuff yet tell you all this but yeah. I’m sorry this is out of the blue and I don’t need your pity or your “I’m sorry you feel this way” and stuff, just idk just wish you told me like how you feel about everything and anything, even if it’s just stupid or whatever. But anyways I’m sorry I just needed to tell you this, even if you don’t care to read all it.