I've never made a legitimate attempt at speaking to anyone romantically or pursuing a relationship, but I downloaded a couple of dating apps after caving to my friends who had been begging me to for months. I've always had critically low self-esteem so it was quite a confidence booster to get a lot of likes very quickly, although a lot of those people probably weren't looking for anything but hookups. I matched with one guy and we immediately hit it off, he's funny and has the same sense of humour as me, he's cute, and he really does seem into me for whatever reason. Even when he's supposed to be working we've been texting non-stop and sending each other reels for a couple of days, he even says good morning and good night to me. Everything is going really well except for the fact I'm incredibly worried that he won't like me at all when he figures out what I'm like at my worst.
I truly think I'm a pretty bad person, I think there's something wrong with me and my behaviour but I don't know why. I'm on the waiting list for an autism assessment and I've been taking medication for a while to manage depression and anxiety, but I think it's something more. On the inside I'm unendingly jealous and possessive, dangerously obsessive to the point it has very nearly put me at risk, and insecure about the way I look and act. I've only been speaking to this guy for maybe a week and I'm already seeing the signs of obsession - since this time there's real human person involved that I can easily contact I'm nervous that it's going to be a lot more intense and I might legitimately drive myself insane. At my next review with my doctor I hope to ask for a higher dose of antidepressants and also to mention that I think something is deeply wrong with the way I think and feel, but I'm worried that if I'm truly honest about how I've been living then I might get sectioned or something although at this point it might be for the best. I guess if I suddenly stop posting for a long time then that might be why!
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