Nonsense Rambling

I've thought a lot about how my life has been. I tried to remember what I was like when I was younger but I never seem to remember anything, my mom told me I used to be a happy and energetic kid, but now I'm far from that.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I force myself to do everything to get out and be normal but I just get too overwhelmed. Going outside makes me always feel anxious and nervous, same with just talking, and as much as I want to have friends, to go out to places, or even just playing games with, I feel like I'm not needed there. It's hard to find reason or meaning in my life when I have nothing to motivate me or a goal I want to achieve.

I also just hate reaching out, I feel like I'm just getting pity or I'm some sort of attention seeker, I don't want to be that. But what else can I do, if I reach out to people, it just feels like they're obligated to help. It's strange, I want to be social or be around people, yet it feels wrong to even want anything close to such.

It feels like the only thing I can do is just wait for people to talk to me first. What I want, if I could have it any way, I'd want a person that is like the opposite of me, to make me talk or hang out, makes me get out more and live.

I think that's all I have.