Log No.3 - Ew, Life

oof.

i am so incredibly tired of like, everything.

and i don't even know why.

it's like everything's really tiring all the time, and there's not really a way i can fix it. (this sounds very depressing, i know,) i keep getting bored of a lot, and i can't find a j*b, no matter how much I want to find one.

it's like i'm being cockblocked by... i don't even know what lol.

but, again, life seems to be really off right now. i don't know why, and i can't really fix it the way i want to. it feels ridiculous, and most definitely looks ridiculous when i type it out.

i just find it so hard to just... live rn. it quite honestly grinds my gears.

(or, another analogy, "smashes my legos into concrete")

((that was really bad, ik))

i've also been trying to fully come to terms with the fact that i'm probably a trans guy. so there's that, too.

'cause life just has to throw another brick in my face.

it's not that i wanna not be trans or anything, i really do wanna transition, but my fam is kind of iffy about whether or not they accept trans people. it really depends on how they act. the trans people on the internet they've liked and been okay with is moreso the people who don't make it their whole personality. which i'd never tried to do, but i feel like the whole coming out process would turn them away. like, i'd make it my whole personality on accident.

maybe it's just my anxieties, maybe i'm right, but i don't have a single clue as of how to be me without turning my whole family away. we aren't doing the best with money, either, considering that me and my little sister dance competitively. that type of stuff is really expensive. ex: i bought a pair of tap shoes for $252. that is an incredible amount of money for shoes lmao.

i am kind of just typing to type tho, so if you're reading this, don't feel the need to point me to anything, i think my situation is something i have to figure out on my own.

wow. angstyyyyy.