Spontaneity (small vent idk)

Just wanted to write this down idk. Might delete later, but I lowk wish this was like an anonymous letter typa thing lol.
Don't read this if we're friends or smth idk pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sometimes I just hate the way I am. Like sure, I love a lot of aspects about myself, seriously, but some just make my life so much harder (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) Like right now my inability to be spontaneous... Whenever something spontaneous comes up and I have to decide right away abt something that affects my plans I can't decide right away at all. It's either I need a very long time to decide or I'm not making the decision. I only decide when it's a very small thing like a snack, but otherwise it's difficult for me and I can't even do anything about that. For example, my mum offers spontaneously to go all together to the park, but because I already had an idea of my day, a plan of what I was going to spend my time on I just.. can't decide between following my earlier plan or doing something else. At all. And it confuses both me and my mom. And I tell myself that like "c'mon it's not that bad you should just go, not big of a deal" but I'm still in a stupor....
But when I decide to spontaneously ask someone to hang out I'm completely fine with spontaneity and that makes me feel even worse sometimes... It makes me feel so hypocritical T_T. Like, I just offer things out of the blue to someone while I can't even decide in one day between wanting to buy two different shirts. It's so fucking annoying I wish I didn't have a problem like this, but I guess it's like a side effect of always being precise about my wishes. Sounds confusing, I know, I don't even know how to word it... Like, when I say I'm hungry for example I know exactly what I'm hungry for. That kinda thing.

But yeah, I've never seen anyone talk about this problem so.. I feel very lonely on this one. Makes me feel like I'm even more in the wrong for something I can't do. I wish people understood the fact that spontaneity is just difficult for me and didn't judge me for it (⁠｡⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠)