small crush? ( online ) + Ex DRAMA

so I've been liking this guy. ( prob met him like a month back or smth. he's really sweet, always wanting to listen without a bother. and like very teasing.

anyways basically my type in a guy. I don't rlly talk to him much now in days ( he began school ) cough but I really wanna get to know him better and obvi build a better friendship before I do anything...

yet...I have one problem...I get nervous around him..I feel like my heart is being tugged by a string everytime ( not a bad thing.) like host club type thing ( anime ) I just cant help but really sink in for who he is at the moment.

I catch myself thinking about him when I go to sleep. the days we talk I just think about him for the rest of the day. he sometimes appears in my dreams. ( one time in my dream, he had saved me from drowning type shi ) and i hopelessly look at the messages my friend sent me: "you said you get nervous around him..you must really like him ^_^" I mean yeah. why wouldn't I like a cool person like him? we have a lot in common but I fear that just strips communicating to finding what the other person likes that's so different. right? idk... oh and I draw him often ( I know the artist curse but drawing something beautiful.. don't let that stop you. keep going even if you think its not gonna work out anyway. at least its something to remember to admire.

( Past Ex )

I feel like its the wrong time to be doing all of this. I'm like a couple weeks in out of my past relationship with my ex. and I feel like I hurt him in some way. moving on too quickly, it looks like he didn't mean anything to me but thats false. he just became controlling and abusive. and now he's trying to play victim.. mind you I was clueless, I thought this is how it goes. but truly he was sick of me venting all the time. him trying to put effort to make me happy all the damn time.

I remember him saying " hey misery meat by sodikken reminds me of you.. and that other song about being a main character.." I get it, main character song.. I don't pay attention to whats around me...for the better because my business is mine. I shouldn't go bump into anyone elses.

BUT MISERY MEAT? giving up everything for someone else? are we serious about this? ( this did infact happen but I didn't give myself up to my ex) .....bringing up a past trauma of losing a bestfriend like that as I still let people step on me like a doormat because I'm so damn clueless that they're just using me for their benefit? SERIOUSLY? how could he just say that to his supposedly "future wife?" YOURE LITERALLY HURTING ME.


I just wish I was treated like those girls in the host club. so kindly.. and yet I still give so much trust to everyone.