Okay haha SO…one thing about me is I play softball and have been for pretty much all my life. I mean my sister played when she was 4, so I’ve been around it since I was about 2 and now I’m turning 20 in a few months - geez a fuckass amount of time holy shit 😂😭 anyways not the point, I’ve just been around it like my entire life.
A few days ago I found out that one of my coaches passed away from his battle with cancer. He coached me for just one year and that’s when I left my previous organization in travel ball so new team new coaches and I was nervous as hell and I’m very shy and awkward haha 😂😅 but I was ready for the change actually. He and the other coaches, one being his daughter were nothing but nice to me and the girls. They were funny and motivated us. Tough love but it was more love than tough, I felt they truly cared about us and honestly with so many athletes who say they have horrible experiences with coaches, I’m so fortunate to be able to say that was not an issue of mine ever, for now at least because who knows, if I continue to play well I hope and pray I could say I never once had a bad experience with a coach. My sister, who was the one person I looked up to and my MAIN reason I played softball in the first place, unfortunately could not say the same. And for that reason that’s why I changed teams. My parents told me “you can’t handle him yelling at you you’ll cry, your sister NEVER cried” and honestly I was gonna stay and just be like screw you guys I like it here I’m staying. But it’s my sister who told them “I don’t want her to go through what I did” so because of that, that’s why I made my decision and changed teams.
THIS team with this coach who recently passed away, like I said the coaches were great in my opinion. The issue I have is with my teammates on said team. Which is what always confuses me. I hear so so SOOOOOO MANY people talk about bad experience with coaches, which completely valid like yes speak on these issues, but what about bad experiences with teammates?! And not like drama like idk “she talked to my man” or “gossiping left and right to no end” but genuinely where you just DONT get along with your teammates?! And not in a sense of “I just can’t fucking stand you or ANY of you” but like these girls just got along together RIGHT away and honestly I just can’t fucking socialize!!! I never got along with them like as people and I tried SO hard to cheer them on and do my part and yes sometimes I did bad but I just never felt I had anyone to be like “hey I gotchu on this next one” like the all just turned the other way and were just bad teammates. I never felt supported, I felt like some didn’t even know my name, and it just doesn’t help when you just CANT TALK LIKE SO MANY TIMES ID OVERTHINK LIKE “JUST SAY SOMETHING MAN CMON STOP BEING AN IDIOT!!!” And like no one talks about this!!! Idk like everyone is like “you’ll never remember the wins or losses but you’ll remember the good times you had with your teammates” and with this team and others (junior year volleyball…god that was a horrible year too, junior year SOFTBALL in hs and in the summer; pretty much when I left my previous team, it all just went downhill and it doesn’t help when you’re so fucking socially anxious and you’re sucking it up) I genuinely just remember all the bad. Like yes I did good at times and even then I felt at one point I was connecting to them, so SLOWLY BUT SURELY MAYBE THINGS WILL BE OKA- no…no because then haha this was in the summer of 2023…my dog dies. And all the progress I made with the team was gone and I was sad and miserable and once again not that I wanted it but I felt more alone and genuinely stupid, and this didn’t stop at this teams but other ones too, even now! Like why the fuck am I putting up with this?!
This is just idk, sad I suppose like when you think of sports, well when I think of sports and see it on tv, I see them having fun and enjoying what they do. I haven’t enjoyed it in such a long time. And just feeling no support from my teammates and feeling like an outsider when YOURE LITERALLY ON THE SAME TEAM it’s just like what’s wrong with me??? In some way I feel like it has to do with my performance on the field too like of you do good more praise, if you do bad well I barely even get any “hey you got it next time,” from the coaches but even then like do better. I hate that I say this but I feel like being, I guess on edge for so long and feeling like this has taken a serious toll on my love for softball. I don’t practice anymore, I’ve cried and dreaded heading to games because great a whole day of faking it when I’m dreading being with the team as they just don’t like me while they all like and converse with each other. And seeing the opposing team having fun, the amount of times I wished to know how they felt like, talking laughing having fun and DOING good because haha that’s the entire point. It just hurts that I let others have some power over why I don’t love softball as much anymore. And yes most of this is me too, like I don’t put in the work and I do get lazy but not to blame them obviously because this isn’t my teammates fault but it’s hard to keep showing up (realistically and metaphorically haha) for your team when they could barely even acknowledge you, when YOU don’t help either, meanwhile you’re struggling to even show up for yourself.
The amount of times I’ve just cried and wondered if I was the problem and they wouldn’t even care if I was gone. Or when you miss a game and you just think “they’re not even missing me, they’re probably doing a lot better that I’m not there, they’re probably don’t even REALIZE I’m not there, so why am I still doing this?” God even now I’m crying as I have no one to tell this too, it’s been 3 years and I’m still crying over this “trauma.”
My parents if I told them about this they would just say worry about you, who cares what they think.” Even then when I would keep to myself half the time they’re like “cmon man TALK TO YOUR TEAMMATES STOP BEING DUMB GOD HOW EMBARRASSING THAT YOU DONT EVEN TALK TO YOUR TEAMMATES, THATS JUST HOW RUDE YOU ARE SUCH BAD MANNERS YADA YADA” and this happened regularly. And my teammates probably appreciated that I kept quiet. I would just stare like a weirdo and laugh when they’d talk and doing that for a good while yeah…eats at you. So yeah I’ve never told my parents about this as the whole point is softball and playing, not friends and socializing. It was also hard when they pointed out how I’d lost my love for the game “you don’t play like you used to do when you were younger, the passion and drive isn’t there anymore, so sad like do you even WANNA BE THERE?!” I wanted to push through and be strong but holy fuck…I mean I did evidently I’m not in THAT situation anymore but well I am just now I’m in college with a different team, and we this time I have people I could talk to. What’s left is just my lack of motivation now and my confidence is shit and well I don’t practice so I’m not as good anymore. I’ve quite literally have fallen off…and I do wish my parents would understand instead of blame me. Yes I am to blame for this but I just wish they noticed that I did not like that team and idk at least were there for me for THAT. AND BY ALL MEANS THEY DID SUPPORT ME LIKE IM NOT SAYING THEY NEVER EVER SUPPORTED ME, JUST HAVE TO MAKE THAT INSANELY CLEAR!!! I just wish they noticed me struggling and helped me with that, or I wish I was able to tell them this and for them to UNDERSTAND rather than just idk “well just ignore them and do you.”
I do sorta tell my friends about this and just some of my teammates shenanigans and stuff but they don’t play sports so they just wouldn’t understand this. They would just be like “WELL SCREW THEM WHO WOULDNT WANNA TALK TO YOU, YOURE SO GOOD, YOURE SUCH A GOOD PERSON BLAH BLAB BLAH” like thank you so much for that it’s just I don’t wanna hear that. I just wish someone understood it and just I don’t mean this selfishly but was able to relate. And that sounds so mean to say because I NEVER WANT ANYONE TO GO THROUGH THIS EVER!!! It’s just like no one talks about this and like fuck, do people even GO THROUGH THIS?!?! But I wish I was able to tell my friends without sounding like a complaining miserable loser who sucks at socializing and that’s what’s weighing her down. And I wish they would understand but they don’t. And that’s COMPLETELY OKAY I DONT BLAME THEM!!! But yeah this has been an issue for so long it’s just like fuck…after all these years it’s STILL MESSING AND EATING AWAY AT ME 😂😝
Anyways aside from that rant, my coach is having a funeral and all his family and those who were his players are invited. Me and my mom saw that flier that his daughter, my other coach posted and she asked if I was gonna go. To be honest…selfishly I don’t wanna go. I do because yes he was my coach and I did like him, he’s even the one who GOT ME TO PLAY IN COLLEGE, THATS WHY IM EVEN HERE IN COLLEGE PLAYING LIKE THATS JUST ITS INSANE TO ME!!! I do wanna go to pay my respects to him and his family however just the memories I had with that team and those girls, it literally keeps me up at night. Those thoughts are resurfacing and all those emotions I’d feel at every practice or game and I really fucking hate it. I don’t wanna risk seeing those people who barely even acknowledge me or even remember my name. I don’t wanna have to say hi to people or even just see my coach distraught as HER DAD PASSED AWAY!!! Like I feel incredibly sad about his passing but seeing those people and when I barely even was coached by him and those girls who really wow made me feel like NOTHING for a damn year…I’d rather not go.
My mom told me I should probably go and pay my respects I mean he WAS my coach after all and to that I agree. She however doesn’t know the extent as to why I DONT wanna go…because like I said she’d just end up saying something like “just go god this is so rude of you to not go, you’re horrible and I didn’t raise you like this blah blah blah don’t come to me when you need anything blah blah blah.” She’s not a bad person I SWEAR but when it comes to things like this it’s just
Anyways so you may be wondering WHATS THE REASON AS TO WHYYYYY YOU EVEN TYPED THIS OUT?!?! And to that I say my mom asked a very simple question after asking if I was gonna go or not. She asked…”was he a good coach?” And answering truthfully I said yes because he was. Then she asks THIS question and this is where I didn’t answer truthfully and THIS lie well…I then left upstairs and cried then DECIDED TO TYPE THIS OUT HERE SO HAHA!!! She asked me “did you “was he and the team nice?” And well not that my teammates WERENT nice, there were times where they’d mess around with each other and SOMETIMES say not nice things about EACH OTHER…I just wasn’t apart of that so…they were also just not so motivated and driven and like “blegh what’s the point 🤷🏽♀️😌” meanwhile they were good just didn’t give it there all. My coaches nothing but good things go say about them, my teammates…no. And I lied to my mom. I told her “yup, all of them were nice…” and just fucking SAYINGGGGG THAT!!! That’s what made the waterworks just explode. And I didn’t wanna let her see me like that so I walked up the stairs and cried in my room typing this out. So now…idk what I’m gonna do if I’m gonna go or not. I’m REALLY leaning towards no but idk if they’re gonna make me go. I’d wanna go for his sake, but if I go again, I would not talk and I would once again ask myself “why am I even here?! What am I doing here?”
So that is the end of my rant for today haha!!! I doubt anyone will read this or get this far but hey haha I just needed to get this out, and yes I know I could’ve just written this to myself but why not blog this for all to see haha!!! But yes I’ll be back with another rant probably soon since I just loveeee to complain about things.
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