Reinventing Myself ( a stupid rant teenage girl edition )

Do you ever just want to reinvent yourself?

I mean, I do. All the time.

Sometimes I wish I was more polished and shiny, like a crystal. Not crude and tacky and blingy like a twenty-two year old's strip tiara. I wish I was softer spoken. More delicate, maybe. Like I could be some sort of mystical nymph or a rabbit or something. Something that just sits there quietly and looks pretty and seems like it knows things.

I wish I had long, unmarked legs.

I wish I didn't take so fucking long to do everything. I take forever to get ready, forever to think, forever to make a decision, and then when I've finally made one I think about it again anyway.

I wish I had better taste in people. Especially whoever the hell I decide to be romantically interested in.

I wish I came across as more caring. More respectful. More gentle, maybe. Sometimes I think I used to care too much about what everyone thought of me, and now I've somehow swung completely in the other direction.

I used to be a people pleaser.

Now I feel like I can barely please anyone, including myself.

And I think that's the weird part about trying to reinvent yourself. You never really know what you're trying to become. You just know you don't want to be exactly what you are now.

I don't even think I want to be a completely different person.

I just want to take all the parts of me that feel too loud, too awkward, too slow, too tacky, too much, and somehow make them look intentional.

Like I meant to be this way.

Like I chose it.

Maybe that's what I actually mean when I say I want to reinvent myself.

I don't want a new face.

I just want to look at the same one and not immediately start thinking of everything I would change.