Shallow, Selfish Feeling.

This is not a blog post asking for advice. I am simply putting my feelings into writing. Do enjoy reading!!

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I was told that "love at first sight" is shallow, selfish attraction.

In a way, I never believed that it existed. How can you tell you like someone after seeing them? You cannot see smiles of ever-flowing kindness from one quick sight of pale skin. You cannot feel waves of care and determination in the ruffles and folds of clothes you are unable to touch. You cannot see true intention in styled hair. Appearances to me are mere glamour. Pretty things. Precious things.

I thought myself to be demisexual with these thoughts in mind. "Why, I could never fall in love with someone I didn't know!" is what I kept close to my heart. I wasn't wrong, but I was foolish to think myself right either.

The first that caught my attention was your difference.

To me, anyone born here belongs here. Yet you still intrigued me, and not with something you can control. Your lighter skin and lidded eyes drew my attention first, and even if that interest grew thin, it stayed. It stayed hidden in the folds of my forgotten thoughts and memories.

Then next came noticing you.

You're so different, yet I struggle to find your face in endless chattering crowds. Maybe it's because my eyes remain glued to the floor. Maybe it's because my gaze wanders to the passing faces near me rather than the hallway. Regardless, you would sometimes show yourself.

You are taller than me, despite my societal seniority, and you wear glasses like me. I don't know the sound of your voice because you speak at such a low volume. I didn't know your name until last Friday, and I had almost forgotten your existence, or at least, not taken such heavy note of it.

It's funny isn't it?

I had gotten my hopes up on Friday. I had hoped I would get the guilty pleasure of looking at you without it being weird. That I could observe a little more of your features between financial transactions. I got a little less and a bit more than what I had bargained for.

I walked around that morning with the thought that you might be selling today, then I caught sight of your black hair and felt this crippling sharp warmth strike my heart and chest. It was so cliché, but it intrigued me. I had never felt that way about someone I had interest in before.

Then came the height of my embarrassment on that day. I had ushered a friend of mine to ask a burning question I've had for a while. I stood off to the side with someone else, waiting, wondering.

And you were looking in our direction.

It was suprising, but it felt far less important compared to that feeling you gave me in the morning. I laughed it off with my friend, but inside, I had wondered if you noticed me. I still do.

I have no reason to approach you. Our circumstances prohibit me severely.

Ulterior motives are such horrible things, aren't they? I told someone that. Their response was inadequate.

I am only writing this now to bid my small hope away. I can't hold onto the smallest of embers.

I was never in love with you.

You intrigued me. I wanted to know what thoughts lay behind the lenses of your glasses. I wanted to know what you sounded like when you were tired in the morning.

I wanted to know you.

What a shallow, selfish feeling.

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Thank you for reading!! This came about on a whim as I was reading Princess Jellyfish. It is in fact based on my own feelings.

If you've ever checked all my blog posts, you'll know I tend to write longer, but even this length is fine for me. Have a pleasant day !! o(*^▽^*)┛