I was the kind of kid who did not have many friends, and did not know what romance or crushes were. My parents never spoke to me about it, and I avoided what was expected of me entirely. "You're just not that kind of person I'd talk to about it", as a kid when I was 9 said, after I asked why I was the only friend to not be in the know about the crushes going on between students in our class.
When I was around 10, I got really into online fandom, which of course centered shipping. I had my OTPs, partook in shipwars and loved consuming artwork and fics of my favourite characters, especially if they were queer, like me. Never did I stop to truly imagine myself in those positions or question what they really meant. That came later.
I first stumbled on the concept of asexuality online a few years later. I remember thinking "wow I wish that could be me, but I know it's not". I still don't know how to feel about that.
Back then, I read lots of romance, specifically romance manhwa. I got familiar with tropes, and learned how people commented on and spoke about these stories. I mirrored it. I had opinions on love triangles, would reread kiss scenes, and my perspective on romance was entirely based on fiction and fandom.
When I entered highschool I began to realize I had no idea what a real "crush" was. I suddenly became obsessed with asking everyone I knew how they knew if they liked someone, under the guise of "I want to confirm if I am gay". No answer ever made sense to me, and that only made me ask even more, as I couldn't accept it could be something I couldn't understand.
For some reason, it was scarier being aromantic, way scarier than it was just being gay. It suddenly meant my life might not on the same track as everyone else's, that there was something that would split me off even more from my peers. I had gay/lesbian/bi friends, I grew up in and around the queer community online, and I knew it was okay to be gay. But in and out of incel jokes, dating fails, and promposals, I felt deeply ashamed and a fear of missing out. Sure, I can do "romantic" things with a friend, sure I can still date. I could imagine myself being with someone romantically in the perfect situation. But in practice I found that the other person never felt the exact same way about me or could understand how I felt (although that was also due to a lot of other things situationally).
I almost never felt as wrong about being nonbinary or gay as I did about feeling what feels like no romantic attraction at all. Not to say I never felt internal transphobia or homophobia, of course I do/did, but the deep fear and shame I felt over the possibility of never dating/marrying was something that hours of Reddit posts could not heal in the same way.
I felt jealous that there was nothing that could seemingly make me "feel more valid" or "feel right" in the same way for my gayness and nonbinaryness. Gender affirmation, being referred to properly, expressing myself how I wanted to, seeing myself in the mirror as I wanted for the first time, having others see me for me. That was something tangible. Dating (when I did), bonding over the (limited) attraction I do experience, even if it's just being gay for fictional characters, talking about gay awakenings. That was also SOMETHING. But I could not figure out a way to express a lack of something. It is so much harder to prove a total lack of something.
Amatonormativity and allonormativity is truly everywhere and harms everyone. I can't stop seeing it once I started to. It is a product of the patriarchy, product of colonialism and ideals that are not realistic for everyone to follow.
Past the rollercoaster that was highschool, in the past few years I've lately started to try to see love in everything. I've started to grow to appreciate romance rather than feel bitter. I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will. I don't think I will ever "date" traditionally. Partners can be anyone, confidants can be anyone. I love being close to one specific person, emotionally, physically, just not sexually, and in a way I would not feel comfortable calling romance. But TBH I've sort of come to terms with the fact it's all a social construct anyways. Something only has to be romantic if you say it is, and all it takes is agreement for something not to be romantic.
It's always jarring to see het communities talk about dating culture and relationships. Questioning relationship standards and norms is so familiar in queer communities, but some of these straight people have never done that in their lives. It's so foreign to me.
I feel crazy sometimes for processing things differently from everyone around me. Maybe it's my suspected neurodivergence (probably), but it's easy to feel nonsensical when everyone else has already learned and internalized these ideals. I feel behind in everything.
I don't really subscribe to labels, solid ones at least (besides NB/queer). On any given day, I might just say I'm gay, maybe aromantic or aspec (aro spectrum). I've never really used the term aroace that often out loud, although maybe it fits me in practice? It's complicated and hardly an isolated issue (for instance my gender/body dysphoria greatly influences my confusion over my sexuality).
I have great feelings of love all the time, but it almost feels like I'm constantly being told they don't matter, because none are romantic.
I can barely immerse myself in romance sometimes. At times I'm so repulsed I can barely listen to most music. Shipping is not as appealing to me anymore, because I sometimes don't understand why it has to be romantic. You can't force romantic attraction right, so why am I specifically romantically shipping these characters anyways instead of just appreciating their pairing in the broad sense? Not that there's anything wrong in shipping, at times I just can't wrap my head around it anymore.
My friends that have been in (and out) of romantic relationships that I've seen firsthand, I try to say the right things and understand, but it's hard, especially trying to understand how a label launches their relationship suddenly on par with friends they've been closer with for longer.
I would love to love. I DO love to love. I love my communities, I love my family, I love my person, I love my friends. I want to understand them. It's just all so different. It's hard to explain.
Romantic love makes people act in ways they otherwise wouldn't. I don't envy that part at least. It sounds scary to love someone deeply not by choice, but by some imaginary romantic string that directs your attraction. (I say this lightheartedly and not completely seriously)
I love my characters and stories that help me feel less abnormal, and I do yearn for more non-allo friends. The romance-centrism in everything I do tears me apart sometimes, but other times it gives me the language to describe how deep I feel my own love for things and people.
I love love and the idea of love, which makes me want to understand romance more and more. I've talked about love for hours and hours, researched endlessly on different kinds of love, and how others experience it. Throughout my life, I've always felt like an anthropologist on the outside of human civilization, and my love research feels no different. I've reflected on my own love, driven those around me crazy maybe even from going in circles over and over. It's complicated. The moment I think I feel okay something will come on my FYP that sends me into confusion and jealousy and upset over everything all over again.
I'm trying to learn to love myself for how I perceive the world and how I perceive love. I don't think I'll ever be able to internalize what everyone around me experiences and sees, and I'm trying to be okay with that.
I love love. i think
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