Having to force myself to do the things i love and enjoy is really daunting. I have to have my portfolio for fashion school finished in like, maybe less than two weeks, and maybe earlier if i really want to have a chance at being considered. And i don't have the money to buy fabric for my last project which is a MANDATORY part of my portfolio submission. i already see things about people already applying and sending in their applications, and its kind of a first come first serve kinda thing so i feel really behind and i feel like if i even manage to get it in early, it wouldn't be early enough. I feel like just giving up and accepting that I'm not gonna make it for early admission, but that's probably because it feels easier than putting in the effort to crunch as hard as i can and get it in. It makes me feel like a fraud, that maybe i don't actually want this for my life. that maybe I'm not cut out for this. But i just have to *try*. And trying is so hard.
Damn it and i still have to write my essay too. Procrastination is my greatest enemy. i could've had this done months ago because i started working on my portfolio at the BEGINNING of this year. It took me like 6 months to complete one damn part. And no it wasn't hard, i just couldn't make myself do it fast enough. And even though i have that part finished, I STILL DONT LIKE IT!! And I'm heavily considering re-doing it but i literally only have a few weeks left and i know myself and i know I'm not gonna get it done in time and its just UGH!
i have this belief that i have to be perfect enough to even be considered, even though people with SIGNIFICANTLY less skill have gotten in but i just cant for the life of me be okay with submitting something that isn't perfect. I want them to know that i am great and awesome right off the bat and i know that's stupid but i cant help it! This is so haarrddd!!!! I need to get off my high horse and be realistic that obviously they know that no one is gonna be perfect, that's the whole reason they're applying, to get *better*. Obviously there will be some people that are already better at their craft. There's ALWAYS someone better. I know that, I'm aware. But i think I'm just trying to be the person that's better. And maybe that's selfish of me. But who doesn't??? I wish i wasn't such a perfectionist who is also cursed with chronic procrastination and executive dysfunction. I feel so severely unmedicated and i swear if there's a pill out there that will help me function like a normal human being, ill pop pills EVERY DAY. Every day. if it meant it could make it easier for my brain to get me off my ass.
This whole thing literally determines the trajectory of my life and i cannot afford to let it flop. This is just for early admission because i wanted to start as soon as i possibly could, so if i got accepted, i would be able to start in the upcoming spring. But if i decided to just *apply* in the spring, then id start in the fall. Literally an entire year later. Setting myself back an entire year is not what i need right now, i don't think i could physically handle that. And i think, even if i gave myself an entire other year to finish this portfolio, id still manage to be late!!! because that's what already happened this year!! I had an entire year to make my portfolio, which doesn't even have to be that big because the requirements are just 4 separate parts, and all they want are THOSE 4 parts. nothing more, nothing less. and i could've had this done in a few months if i was a normal functioning human being, but obviously, that was far from the case.
Every day i wake up and spend the whole day sick to my stomach anxious and stressed because of every second i spend not doing anything. I struggle to go to sleep because i feel like sleeping is just wasting more time. I contemplate backup life paths because I'm just so prepared to give up on everything and accept that this is all just some unrealistic pipe dream that isn't for me. I hate myself for thinking that but then i hate myself even more for not doing anything about it. I live a life of contradiction, and no one can save me but myself.
If you are someone struggling with something like this too, do yourself a favor and GET. THE FUCK. UP.
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