I don't know anymore

I had this realization that I don't really know who is really me, like, I think I understand what "non-biniry" means. Sometimes I think of me myself and I really hate that person, but other times I love the person that i am, but there are two of them and I fear I'm loosing myself. Am I really me or there's other me? I don't know anymore. I love life but I think one of me want to really kill the other me, but then we love each other? What the fuck?

I'm scared of showing any emotion other then "Slavic stare". If I do anything cool and fun I have that thoughts in other perspective like I'm looking at my self and saying "you look stupid" "ugh, he's cringe" "can you stop?"and everything is falling apart. My friends always ask if I'm good and I don't know so I say that I am but am i really okay?

I really want to be that cute, silly guy, but at the same time I want to be tough and cool. My boyfriend is trying to help me but I'm scared and shy even with him and... ughhh, I just need to write it somewhere, maybe it would help.