Why do i keep doing this to myself

I don't feel like going to school. But my mom gets angry when i dont go and i dont know what to tell her... im already the burden of the family, i already have problems yet i keep doing this to myself, why am i making this difficult for myself? Why cant i just go to school?! WHY CANT I FUCKING DO THAT?! Theres parts of me that feels lazy... Parts where, theres so many things happening in school i just dont wanna go, another part where im embarrassed bc i havent gone in school for weeks and i show up its just... but maybe i really am just lazy, a fucking lazy pig. I know if i dont go to school, it has consequences, everyone is tired of me acting like this. I am lucky, i really am, my mom isnt too strict to me, she doesnt expect high grades, and all she wants is for me to go to school... but for some fucking reason even i cant do that, like why the fuck am i crying im so fucking dramatic like wtf... but i made this decision... im the one doing this to myself and when my mom asks why... my mouth doesnt wanna open and my thoughts are just rushing to me but even if i say what i typed in this blog, itll be stupid, what i just typed is stupid. I have to stop doing this to myself but why cant i... even though i know i can i think....