Js a rant abt feelings..

Its been a while since I felt like talking about my current feelings. But I promised sm1 did if I ever felt anything id talk to sm1.

So hello void (begging noone sees this im embarrassed)

Life's been tough.

Like genuinely.

I finally got into 12th grade (final year) but omfg. It just made me feel more like a failure. I got so many things to do. A presentation here. An Exam there. 3 art projects beneath. 67million tests.
Like. Guys. Im just a ... being? Human, young adult. Idk idfc.

I cant handle all that. On top of school (or more beneath since school is more important) ive financially been accepting myself as a Trans guy over the months. I told my friends. Even my mom!! Heck only now I am starting to feel like myself and now everything else seems to be trying to just keep me from it.
Not even my friends.. but my Mom makes me feel weird abt it. In VC I get misgendered constantly. In school im barley keeping up. Hobbies??? I can barley even try to reclaim some...
And ontop of that.. friends.

Dont get me wrong. Having a few close friends is great... but.. its just to much!

No. Not even that. I dont have many actual close friends.

But the ones im not tooo close with but close enough with to put them at a base line of friends?? Or the ones i used to know but now just want as a like a distant cousin.

Its just. No. I like you. Yes. You're nice. And we had good time. Or are having. But I hate it. I dont wanna be nice??? I dont wanna be extroverted. I dont wanna have to manage 5million ppls feelings when I can barley handle my own!

I just wish I could go back.

Before it all happened. I just wish to be back to the times in my life where my only rl friends where 3ppl and 1 BSF. And the rest my online friends.
When I could still hide and hate it all. Where It was dark and horrible. Why cant I go back to the suffering that feels like home?? Let me escape into the online world. My head. Fuck even talk to fake ppl. Its all way better.

I dont even care if its bad for me. I want that. I wanna destroy myself. I wanna get myself sick. Break a leg. Get my daily nose bleeds and hope one of them is gonna make me bleed out.

At least that felt safe. There my only worry was if someone would ever notice. And now? Now its everything.

I go outside and Im scared. Of what? Everything. People staring. Judging. Being a joke. Hurting sm1's feelings. Even teenagers scare me. I know half of them from my old school.. and i hate it. They know me. They saw me. And now they do it again. And its always the same when they see me. It makes me wanna crawl into my bed and just never get out.

Anyways... idk. If I continue ill probably start repeating myself and maybe crying cause Im a fuckass crybaby. Truly hate myself for ts. Augh. So yeah. Thank you voud for letting me get rid of this. Who would I be without you..