First date

I had my first ever date on October 17th, I genuinely think it was one of the best days of my life. I was so nervous on the train on the way there thinking about having to look for him in the crowd and wondering what I would say, but as soon as I got to him it was immediately just so natural (I even said to my friends afterwards that for most of it i forgot I was even on a date - it felt like I was just out with someone I'd known forever). There was no awkwardness or hesitation or anything like that, we're both just completely on the same wavelength when it comes to humour and interests and such.

We both like to drink so even though we'd planned out some other stuff to do, we both decided we'd rather just stay in the pub for hours and talk, which is exactly what we did, and it was so lovely. It was very busy but we were sat opposite each other on a two seater table tucked in the back behind a pillar so that it almost felt private, and we must have spent about 5 hours just talking about anything and everything.

I've come to learn after talking to my friends that this is sort of a typical caveman brain man-move (which worked on me regardless) but after several drinks he wanted to arm wrestle me and he demolished me even though I tried so hard, but he kept hold of my hand afterwards as we carried on talking and that really felt so special. Eventually later on as I looked up from my drink I saw he had leaned closer over the table, and a few seconds later I had my very first kiss. I can't imagine I was any good at it but I really didn't care. I understand why people do it now - it really might be the best feeling in the world. We even touched foreheads and looked in each others eyes and smiled for a few seconds afterwards which was pretty god damn magical considering that I'd never even held a guys hand until about an hour before.

When the time came for me to get the train home, we ended up having to run to the station but we did so arm in arm. I missed the one I was supposed to get and we would not get off each other in a dark corner outside the station until the next train came. He held my hand until I got to the platform, and although I was pretty drunk by this point I seem to remember getting a kiss goodbye (maybe I made that up but we definitely kissed a number of times before that point).

The next day was my birthday, which I spent as a hungover nervous wreck unable to enjoy anything or even eat my cake because he didn't message me back until very late in the evening, but when he did so he told me he had a really good time too and wished me a happy birthday, asking what I got and stuff like that. After a couple of days though he would abruptly stop responding, and he didn't read any messages I sent for about 9 days. As someone who is both deeply anxiously attached and terrified of abandonment, this was a very difficult 9 days for me. Eventually, while I was in the cinema watching Wildwood, I checked my phone briefly and saw he had apologised for being so distant - I left for a minute to respond and ask if we were good, to which he said 'yes ofc we're good', then told me he didn't want to disturb my movie. I spent the remainder of the film and the journey home incredibly happy and hopeful, I practically skipped into my house to tell my roommate (who had been watching me absolutely spiral for the past 9 days) that everything was fine and I'd somehow pulled it off. Moments later though I received more messages from him and that's unfortunately where things take a turn.

To make a long story short (though it is still pretty long) we're going to stay friends, I'm even making the trip to see him later this month to hang out since we get along so well, but he seems to think that his plans for the future to travel the world and do all kinds of exciting things don't exactly mesh well with my plans to stay in Wales and be boring. He acknowledged that it was pretty cliché to ask to be friends but he did it so genuinely and earnestly multiple times that I believe he really means it. He even offered to come and pick me up for us to hang out instead of me making the journey myself.

Obviously it hurt pretty bad - I was so sure about him, I thought I'd hit the jackpot on essentially my first attempt at a relationship with this man who is just so gorgeous but that I also get along with incredibly well. He was just so gracious about letting me down that I didn't even have it in me to be that upset about it, he's too nice to hate. Foolishly I've since convinced myself that I can play the long game and that if I see him a couple more times he'll change his mind, but I think I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again when that doesn't happen.

The day after this, me and my friends went on a night out for student night Halloween (since I'm in a uni town, the Wednesday night before Halloween always ends up being basically an additional Halloween since students get the afternoon off on Wednesdays). He and I both sent each other pictures of our costumes but even though he looked incredible I couldn't exactly respond in the way I normally would. We were messaging throughout the night as we always do when we're both drinking, but at some point he must have gone to bed - I have not heard from him since, it's been almost a week. I have to wonder if he's changed his mind about being friends, but I suppose I just have to wait for now. I don't think I have it in me to get back into the dating pool for quite a while yet, I think I'm just a bit too sensitive for it and need to learn to stop diving in headfirst every time, so that's where the story ends for now.

Thanks to those of you that made it to the end :^]