warning absolutely no proper grammar or capitalization this looks like a hot mess because i am too tired to bother sorryy
im making this public to see if like anyone else is in a similar boat as me or if anyone has like some advice or whatever, but lowkey i might just delete this tomorrow or sm if i feel ive overshared lol. then again no one i know is on this and no one who knows me irl is here so like whateves
ANYWAYS for the actual thing
so a couple of months ago my bf/gf broke up with me and honestly ive been a hot mess since. well, not so much anymore but at the beginning (first like month) i was actually going insane. you see, the thing is that i am like (very sure i am) severely mentally ill, but ive never been diagnosed with anything because my parents would get mad at me if i mention anything to them lol TwT. im like super sure i have depression bc lowkey ive been exhibiting symptoms of it for at LEAST 6 or 7 (no pun intended) years but like whatever. this is relevant bc that is definitely what messed up the relationship. as time has gone on my depression has definitely gotten worse and unfortunately that meant them having to deal with my moments of severe depression and other things. i really do think that is why they broke up with me, and honestly its super valid and i completely understand why they fell out of love with me. i pushed them away so many times, denied their help so many times, and unfortunately it was all because i was so ill i was purposely trying to push them away from me so that yeah. i really do blame myself for ruining the relationship, i did so so so many horrible things to them in my opinion and i still dont know if i can forgive myself for what i did. honestly? i think it was good that we broke up, i think it was good for us to have a separation because i was genuinely losing it so badly it was starting to reflect in my studies and schoolwork. idk if it was the stress of school or what but i was succumbing to depression and other so much to where i genuinely think it was a miracle from God that im still alive and didnt do something severe-severe. thankfully, i am doing MUCH better now and my depression hasnt been that bad since the end of may, of course its still there but im not dreading the days as much :). unfortunately, i am not over them at ALL. i am stupidly still in love with them despite all of the pain and shit i caused them. i havent been able to stop thinking about them no matter how hard i try and its honestly gotten frustrating. even worse, no matter what happens, whether i think about them or not, i have a dream, or MULTIPLE, about them. lately, ive been having hyper realistic dreams where ill literally wake up and think for a split second that the dream actually happened. my brain literally will not let me forget them no matter how much i distract myself or how much i try to talk to my friends or how much i explore random websites like here. i regret everything so much. i wish i wasnt demisexual and demiromantic, i honestly feel like its making it harder for me to move on even if it doesnt make sense. i say that because i have never had feelings for someone ever in my entire life until they came along (actually i did date someone before them but i dont like to consider that guy someone i dated bc he cheated on me lol), and now theyre gone and its the most physically and mentally painful thing ive experienced and i wish i could like others easily but i just dont (despite not falling for others really at all i am pan lol). i just want to move on but im stuck wanting to change things. i want to apologize for the millionth time and and ask to try again to make things right to not lose my mind again to treat them better to do everything i couldnt do because of my mental condition to just be happy like we were. a lot of time (to me) has passed since and i finally see what i did wrong and what i can and shouldve changed. not only that but ive been trying to better myself and ive had barely any overly negative thoughts and other good things i wont name for now. im definitely a different person than i was a couple of months ago, which sounds stupid to say but i really do think ive changed. the problem is that i really want them to see that change and to be with the person they fell for in the beginning, but i think that ive put them through so much that they would be too scared to even talk to me which is fair. i would really like to have a conversation with them to talk about my behavior and to see if theyd be willing to try again or to start over from the beginning as friends, but im so scared to text them that the times ive thought about texting them i almost have a full blown panic attack (kinda ironic i think lol), so ive done absolutely nothing because i dont think its worth it. earlier today, i was on instagram reels (bc im a chud) and i got a joke reel that mentioned sending a crush via email that one image of steph curry shooting a basketball from the moon to the earth and sm else, then later scrolling i got a joke reel on like dumb convo starters for something idk and one of them was just knock knock or sm i cannot remember. anyways, that bad idea i mentioned in the title? i think you can guess B). i have the idea to send them an email with that image with just the words knock knock to see if they reply. its really dumb but like also really funny but like i think about these things too much and im scared of them knowing i still like them but i also really want to ask to restart with them. im probably forgetting 20 things from this that ill make another blog about another day (or ill end up making another blog basically saying exactly what im saying in this blog forgetting i already talked about it but lowkey i think about these things so much i gotta put it somewhere cuz my best friend dont gotta hear me for the 10000th time so unfortunately strangers who stumble onto this blog will hear, and if youre reading this im so sorry you read this, and yes i do acknowledge that i am a bad/horrible person)
aight im out of brain energy for typing, im gonna try to memorize a shit ton of music for my percussion camp tomorrow (really today but whateves).
totally forgetting to mention a lot but i dont wanna think anymore my head hurts :(
peace :PP
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