another little vent, something that's somewhat of a reoocuring event in my life since my mom died
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my uncle just blocked all websites on my browser and im only allowed to use my school websites.. is that something i get to be mad about? he banned it because i found a bypass which lets me watch videos from yt which he had blocked (◞‸◟,)
idk how to bargain for things i want becasue his deals are usually "give me access to everything: ig password, dms, socials, messages, emails and gmails" (UGHH!! (っ- ‸ - ς)) and i feel i dont get enough back for what i give uppp :((
anyways i guess ive tried to bargain and it's all stuff i should be doing anyways but i actually cant im so buried in hw and backlog and i get so overwhelmed i can't clean my room or keep it tidy and my bathroom and i cant finish all my homework and stuff so i just collapse or relapse into bad habits and i end up getting nothing done and i end up feling so pathetic then when everything's actually due i face the repercussions and i just sink lower than rock bottom and become self destrictive then i get lectured and berated and more stuff gets taken away from me for my own good and i hit the bottom of tartarus and the cycle repeats and i just rot... like DAMN. owie..
i guess i'll give a lil bit of background; my mom's been dead for a few years or so, and since then, her side of the family's been taking care of me (because my dad is one hell of a crazy breeder / deadbeat). my auntie (mama's sister) has a husband, and that's the uncle in question. i get that he "cares" for me in all these draining and controlling ways but it's so hard to really accept- like, i understand why, but i can't accept the methods.. i don't have a phone, no personal device, just my school ipad that my grandfather (legal guardian, NOT my uncle) got me, and that's basiclly where i do everything... now, i was absent from school today because I was sick n feverish, and for half the day i slept on the couch somewhat half dead, before i could sleep no more, and so i hopped onto my ipad and tried to look for ways to watch videos. my uncle's usual reasons for me not to use socials is to prevent me from influence through the algorithing, but i didn't even have an algorithing to choose these videos from, and i had to look up the youtuber's channel and video name just to find what i wanted to watch!! so not algorithm based al all.. >:[[
ughh i just hate everything so much, i'm really trying to be good here.. i don't know what's wrong with me actuallyyy ദ്ദി╥ ᴗ ╥)
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okay im soo sorry that was really long, if u read to this bit tysm, do u have any advice maybe?? im legit caught in this spiderweb of a mess and i think i need help but everytime i reach out (family, school counselor,etc..) i try to comply and they say they'll check up on me and remind me to be consistent but UGH they don't hold up their end.. my school counselor keeps telling me "okay! i'l schedule for us to meet every week, okay?" and it's been like.. a month... she did NOT keep up her end of the deal ugh and I'M the one being told to "stay consistent" LIKE DO U HEAR YOURSELVES.. CONSISTENSY MY LEFT ASSCHEEK YOU HYPOCRITE.
ugh okay im really gonna end it here this is tooo long im so sorry byebies.. ˊᴖˋ
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I recently put a little chart thing I made on my wall for things that I need to keep up with doing, if I do it I colour a box in green and if not I colour it red, it kind of helps to continue any routines cause I know I'll be disappointed if I see any red so I try harder to do what I need to so it's all green, don't really know if that's any help at all but I recommend it 😭
thank u so much actually 🥹🥹