Haii, i need some advice :,)
Can't talk to any friends about this, and im quite hesitant to post on reddit bc of the majority male demographic over there.
About a week ago, my bf told me he last watched porn +- 1 month into the relationship. However, he knows my stance on commercial internet porn as we were very good friends for about a year before the relationship, and we thoroughly discussed a lot of political and feminist issues in that period. I was politically active in that period aswell and read a lot of books and studies about certain topics. So i had talked about all the issues i had with porn and how frequent consumption of it had negative impact on developing teenagers. In those conversations he always made it seem like he completely shared my views on the matter, chiming in about how normalised it is and talking badly about his friends who do consume it.
So i was rather surprised to find out he himself is/was a frequent consumer; after all those private and long conversations i was convinced that he hadnt watched it since maybe 14-15 yo (we're twenty). I talked about it with him, expressing how i feel like i was being manipulated into believing his stances while in reality he handled in a completely different way. It feels like he tried earning my trust over that year to get into a relationship with me, because he knows how important politics and feminism is to me. Obviously he denied it, saying he loved our friendship and that "i never explicitly said i didnt watch porn tho". He claims he did it because in that period he thought i had dumped him (it was exam season and i was kinda depressed and busy so hadnt replied to his text in a few days) so he did it "to relief himself".
We've together for 8m and i have very few friends and a bad family situation so a breakup would definitely be hard to swallow, but honestly i do consider this cheating :/
Any advice is appreciated, please help a girl out :c. I'm absolutely at a loss for what to do.
Can't talk to any friends about this, and im quite hesitant to post on reddit bc of the majority male demographic over there.
About a week ago, my bf told me he last watched porn +- 1 month into the relationship. However, he knows my stance on commercial internet porn as we were very good friends for about a year before the relationship, and we thoroughly discussed a lot of political and feminist issues in that period. I was politically active in that period aswell and read a lot of books and studies about certain topics. So i had talked about all the issues i had with porn and how frequent consumption of it had negative impact on developing teenagers. In those conversations he always made it seem like he completely shared my views on the matter, chiming in about how normalised it is and talking badly about his friends who do consume it.
So i was rather surprised to find out he himself is/was a frequent consumer; after all those private and long conversations i was convinced that he hadnt watched it since maybe 14-15 yo (we're twenty). I talked about it with him, expressing how i feel like i was being manipulated into believing his stances while in reality he handled in a completely different way. It feels like he tried earning my trust over that year to get into a relationship with me, because he knows how important politics and feminism is to me. Obviously he denied it, saying he loved our friendship and that "i never explicitly said i didnt watch porn tho". He claims he did it because in that period he thought i had dumped him (it was exam season and i was kinda depressed and busy so hadnt replied to his text in a few days) so he did it "to relief himself".
We've together for 8m and i have very few friends and a bad family situation so a breakup would definitely be hard to swallow, but honestly i do consider this cheating :/
Any advice is appreciated, please help a girl out :c. I'm absolutely at a loss for what to do.
Comments
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I think the best thing to do is tell him how u feel, maybe set a boundary about how you don’t want him to consume porn anymore or confront him about him denying deceiving you.
From there you can decide if you still want to be with him.
But pls take this w a grain of salt, this is just my take on it all. Hope things work out for u <3
However, I do believe it is a little far to call this "cheating" unless you explicitly told him beforehand that you consider it to be cheating.
Either way, what he did was a betrayal to your previously mentioned moral stance, which he should have considered before being in a relationship with you.
Also the excuse of "I never told you I didn't" is really manipulative and weird...
As an outsider it is easier to say "dump him", but I also totally get it if you'd wanna give him a second chance, depending on your life situation or even if the rest of your relationship has been great. In the end it is a very individual decision that only you can make, and it's completely okay to take your time to decide on what to do. I'm just a firm believer that if you are genuinely considering breaking up, you probably should.
I wish you all the best<33
I haven't really been in many relationships, but in the few ones I have been they were (and still are) very precious to me, I understand how hard this might be for you, especially with your situation!!
First of all, it's horrible what he did. It's clear he wasn't serious on the stances he shared with you.. I totally agree I think that he did it to get with you!
It would be hard to trust someone after that, and that often is an instant deal breaker for me. Lying to your partner about such a huge thing is unimaginable to me !!
But I think you should wait. Finding this out must have been a huge shock to you, and ur thoughts may be all over the place. Before anything, think abt ur decision going forth deeply.
At the end of the day, no matter what people on the internet say, the decision is yours !! Choose what you feel comfortable with and don't compensate yourself for other people !!! Hope ur doing okay :(