It feels unfair how everyone else around me seems to play their human role effortlessly, and whenever I try too it feels to me like fighting against the current of my own nature. Like it is something that's built in within my soul. I know in my rational mind that there exist many others that feel the same, maybe they're just better at hiding it. But I can't help but wish I could change to be anyone else, or even better just not exist in this reality at all. It feels like the never ending passage of time in this life is dragging me by my feet while I struggle to get back up.
I look at my peers joyously living in the moment while I have to fight my own thoughts trying to numb myself from feeling and overthinking about my thinking just to be able to pretend to keep up with them. They dance happily on the stage while I vacantly watch from the back yearning for that same motion, that same glow of life in their eyes. I know how self-centered this way of viewing things is, but I can't change it. I wish I could, after all it is probably the solution to this problem. I feel so disconnected. Even the days where I feel so euphoric like I could do anything become just another part of journey that leaves me even more drained afterwards.
The count on how many times I said "feel" must be high, would it be better if I couldn't feel anymore?